


my heart is

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, F/F, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 16:31:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7470972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Your security is compromised," says someone at the staff meeting.</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taeyeon has long since stopped wondering what her reality is. And that feelings come with it too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my heart is

**Author's Note:**

> HI GUYS. Been awhile and stuff. Meanwhile, it's about a thousand degrees and the only thing I could think of doing is finishing this Cop AU idea that I had floating around my laptop that is about to die. 
> 
> And, you know, Pokemon GO.
> 
> So I hope you enjoy this and maybe, hopefully, my laptop will last long enough for a second part. Enjoy!

-

 

 

 

So, this is how it starts:

"Your security is compromised," says someone at the staff meeting, so Taeyeon takes care to hide her irritation. This is Comeback Week: the anti-fans are out in full force, someone's defaced her album billboard outside the company, and one of the newer managers found a weird envelope in their car. No one made any effort to address her head on; that might be the worst part.

She leaves the meeting that way. Lets them talk. Calls Tiffany, gets a voicemail from Rome, sighs and hates her life just a little bit more. Makes a post about sleeping -- because it's just all true. Calls Sooyoung; she's second best and honest.

"You should just get a dummy phone," Sooyoung says. The video link is a little shoddy at night. It's a drama set and the high lights are making Sooyoung look a little fuzzy. She rubs her eyes. "That's what I had to do. Like -" she sighs dramatically, shaking her head, "you shouldn't have them run your life, Taengoo."

"But isn't that what I'm doing?" She sort of protests. Taeyeon is stubborn, always. "I'm basically proving them right - it's not like they can't find a new number either." People are resourceful when they want to be assholes, she thinks.

"Yah," Sooyoung pushes back. Half-heartedly. "Kim Taeyeon - you just need to sleep."

It's not like she's wrong either. So she agrees. Or sort of agrees. Depends on how she remembers the conversation. She agrees to lunch, hangs up, and meets one of the new managers halfway in the hallway to walk to the garage. Music Bank is in a few hours as it is.

Taeyeon believes in omens though. Isn't too superstitious, but just enough where Comeback Week puts her on high alert - laugh all you want, but the bird that ran into her window this morning meant _something_. She believes things like people are put in your life for a reason, maybe not THE reason, but reason enough for you to fall forward into panic, suspicion, and maybe a little love. Then again, she's always writing some kind of song.

But it's never fact that she doesn't warm up to new people right away, or that even though new managers always come and go, she's _always_ tense - regardless of the fact that this guy seems nice enough.

She's about to tell him too. A hand shoots out. Presses into her arm. And she stumbles - just in sneakers, thank god.

"Taeyeon-ssi." Her mouth opens. He's faster though. "Stay here."

Her manager's eyes are way too wide when they stop in front of the van. It's not the broken glass on ground. Or even the fact that the tires are just flat, really flat, deflated for what seems like instant hours.

And just like that, Taeyeon regrets every interview she's had this year. _I_ don't scare easily, she had said. Smiled, laughed and pointed out every other member.

It's just the paint on the window. Bold, smeared, and slipping onto the hood of the van. It reminds her of blood.

_you're up next_

 

 

 

 

 

"I was having lunch with my sister."

The appropriate reply for Soojung is "I didn't know you had a sister!" but Taeyeon is neither here nor there with that, in the middle of police station, or even close to processing the fact that the younger girl is here, just volunteering information. She tells herself that again: she is in the middle of the police station, in a hallway, halfway listening to her managers argue and alternate conversations with the company, wondering if she should call the girls and her parents just to tell them she's _fine_ and, of course, please don't worry this is nothing knew; it's sadder when she thinks about it. 

"Where did you go," she asks, well, sort of, and then swallows, midway to groping for her phone.

Soojung leans into the wall, her hands sliding into her jacket. Her hair is red again. Must be super secret comeback prep time, Taeyeon thinks. Then stops. Tries to force herself to smile because she should have _some_ sense of decorum. 

"Donuts," Soojung replies, and Taeyeon laughs, sort of, maybe coughs, which seems more than likely. Soojung shrugs and smiles a little. "It's kind of a stereotype, but whatever. We got the ones with sprinkles."

"I didn't know you had a sister," Taeyeon manages too. Means it. Is a little fluster that she does too. She meets Soojung's smile with a little sigh. "I'm terrible -"

"You're cute." A warm laugh appears at the side. "And Soojungie never really introduces me to anyone."

This is how she meets Jessica first: breezing past the introduction, a wide, nearly picturesque smile, small and nothing like what she will even imagine her to be. She could venture into insanely beautiful, since Taeyeon is that romantic, but the brightness of her eyes is a reality that Taeyeon isn't really prepared to handle. Instead she is startled into standing immediately, bowing and not knowing how to work her hands into manners. Soojung laughs and makes a joke next to her, the secret lives of idol siblings or something to that degree.

There is no sense of security; Taeyeon is more chaotic than ever.

 

 

 

 

It's nearly dusk when Taeyeon finally says something tangible. Her managers are now busy with reports.

"This isn't anything new," she murmurs, now sitting outside Jessica's area. She wonders about stupid things: is her hair really that soft?

Jessica hasn't moved from next to her. Sips her coffee calmly. There is a plaque on the wall across from them. Violent Crimes Unit. A large glass wall exposes rows of empty desks. Soojung has been gone for hours, of course.

"The over-eager fans?" Jessica says dryly. She touches Taeyeon's arm. Taeyeon jerks her arm back. Doesn't mean to. "Soojungie worries me a lot," is what she says and doesn't blink.

Taeyeon nods. "I can't imagine." She leans forward. Her elbows dig into her knees. "I haven't really seen blood before," she half-confesses.

"Your first time is always the worst," Jessica replies, sticks her body to the side, and nods at someone through the glass. She shrugs and Taeyeon is literally fascinated because she swears that she's said BLOOD!!! like she's twelve.

"I forgot you were a cop," Taeyeon mumbles, flushed.

Jessica finishes her coffee and plays with the styrofoam lid.

"A lot of people do," she says. She pats her arm. "Luckily, it was just paint. And a person who needs to get a life."

Taeyeon remembers to breathe.

It feels better.

 

 

 

 

 

It's nearly dusk when she gets home. She finds Jessica's card in her jacket and doesn't remember how it got there. Stares at it in her hand, swallows, and leaves it on her kitchen counter for lack of anything else to do. She thinks about calling Tiffany, but doesn't. That's Yuri's job now.

But she does text Soojung, says _hi_ and _thank you_ because her social skills are like zero when it comes to talking to girls. She can write songs though.

Her phone lights up with a notification a few minutes later. _No problem_. Then, another: _Here's her number too. Eonni says you're really pretty in person._

Taeyeon flushes, embarrassed. _thank you_ is all she can think of.

_You should call her_ is what Soojung says.

There's too many things attached to that.

 

 

 

 

The problem with Comeback Week is that there is a major concert series - _solo_ concert series at that - and Taeyeon remembers that she's been part of a major girl group for nearly ten years. This is something that she doesn't like to think about; it's weird, uncomfortable, and part of a longer admission of her life that always feels like she's going to magically revert back to a teenager again.

But then someone breaks into her dressing room at the concert venue. When she's not there.

"I hate _this_ ," she breathes, half-panicked, half not because there are too many people depending on her to be successful, this weekend and into the new year.

Her manager tells her to wait in the car. They are nowhere near the venue; he runs inside a coffee shop to get her something sugary for her nerves. He's being respectful; the only thing she can think to do is fumble for the card in her jacket pocket. It's the same thing as saving a number in her phone. She's weirdly traditional.

With the second ring screeching in her ear, Taeyeon realizes who she's called.

"Hello?"

Jessica actually picks up.

"Hi." It takes her a few minutes to realize that she's answering too. Kim Taeyeon idol extraordinaire, you know. "I -"

"Oh!" There is a change in Jessica's voice. Laughter in the background also happens. "Taeyeon-ssi."

Flustered, Taeyeon covers her face with a hand. "Am I bothering you?"

"Not at all," Jessica replies. There's a pause and it seems forced. "Is everything okay?"

It feels like forever when Taeyeon finally answers. She isn't sure when she decides to - which is weird, way too weird, because usually she thinks way too much about it. How to answer. Why she's going to answer that way. But it sort of happens like that, somewhere between the sound of Jessica's voice and the idea that she's talking to someone where these things don't seem to matter.

"No," she answers. "I'm not." She bites her lip. "Call me Taeyeon?" and she sort of means it, even as a question.

Jessica is unfazed. "Bring me donuts," is how she answers.

 

 

 

 

Jessica has an office.

A really pretty one. That's not the surprise. The surprise is that it's the brightest part of the Violent Crimes Unit which, well, is still weird to say because she will confess to watching subbed versions of Law & Order at 3am between the sasaeng fans calling her obsessively and just not being able to sleep like _ever_. The point is that she doesn't expect this, doesn't know how to expect this, and feels like the biggest idiot as she walks behind Jessica, following her inside with her mouth agape.

"There's, like, no dead body pictures?" she sort of chokes and says.

Jessica snorts and puts down the box of donuts Taeyeon brought her. She sips the coffee too.

"Give it time," she retorts dryly. "It's only Tuesday."

Jessica ushers Taeyeon to sit in one of the chairs in front of her desk. She fusses over a vase of hydrangeas. Straightens a picture frame when she doesn't have to. Then sips her coffee again - it's kind of, weirdly cute.

"You don't look like a police officer," Taeyeon says, sort of means, but doesn't know how to make it sound polite and well, so not awkward.

Jessica laughs. "I get that a lot." She turns her head and smiles brightly. The windows behind her desk let in way too much light; there's a small halo of light that warms the crown of Jessica's head and it makes her look way too pretty. "I promise you that I am." She pulls out her ID. "It's real," she teases.

"Sorry." Taeyeon can't help but mumble. Her face feels hot.

"Taeyeon," Jessica says sternly. Taeyeon hates that she likes the way she says her name. "You need to relax around me," she says gently too. "Otherwise, it's going to make me crazy. I'm already stressed."

"Sorry -" Jessica gives her a look and Taeyeon laughs, rubbing back of her neck. "I brought you donuts though."

"True."

Jessica sighs a little. She hasn't asked why Taeyeon decided to come to the station, but not file a report. She will have to go back to the company eventually. There are already reports on the Internet too; the concert is postponed for next week due to _technical difficulties_ \- her choice, by the way. Sometimes it's easier to take flack for these things than to read and endure comments about and from sasaeng fans than to expose the reality of what's happening.

"I was almost an idol," Jessica tells her. Maybe even confesses. Her mouth curls and she wears a very pretty smile. She laughs a little too. "I didn't have the patience for it. Much to the delight of my parents," she quips.

Taeyeon reaches for a donut, picking some of the sprinkles off. They fall into her lap but she doesn't move. 

"Soojung didn't say anything about that." Taeyeon fills the space with her answer, but immediately regrets it. She is only close to Soojung because of work and because of Amber. The younger girl has always been sort of mysterious to her; she could see what kind of idol Jessica could have been too. She could see that sisters are meant to be similar. 

Jessica still shrugs. "We've been taught to be protective about personal things," she murmurs. She meets Taeyeon's gaze. "I'm sure you understand."

"I do."

Jessica leans forward, grabbing a tissue from her desk. She offers it to Taeyeon. "Sprinkles," she answers. Taeyeon blushes, confused. "You should report the incident. Seriously this time."

"The company will take care of it."

"As they should," Jessica agrees. She's hesitant and reaches for a donut. "But," she tells her, "in my experience - you should remember that you have a voice too." Taeyeon clutches the tissue, staring at her wide-eyed, as if this were the first time she's hearing those words from anyone. Jessica reaches forward and pokes her nose. "You're not just a commodity."

It's not romantic.

But it feels like it is. It feels like the most amazing thing she's ever heard in her life. It makes her bones sing and weirdly, she feels more like herself than ever.

Taeyeon turns her head and smiles, shyly.

"I'll keep bringing you donuts," she says.

(Later in the week, she sends her flowers too.)

 

 

 

 

Everything still has a clock attached to it these days.

Taeyeon sings the same song each week. Her mini-album does well. Her Comeback Week leads into a Second Comeback Week and her concert series is sold out in minutes.

On the last night, she gets a text.

_had a bad day - your voice got me through the rest of it... i like your albums_

Backstage, sweating and surrounded by her team, her girls and Yoona's arm around one of her dancers, Tiffany and Yuri folded into a corner, Taeyeon decides that she might be in love. Or something like it.

And it hasn't even started.

 

 

 

 

"You should ask her sister for permission," Tiffany says, grin huge.

"You should probably call her first," Sooyoung says dryly, passes her some soju and waits for her to swallow the shot before handing her the bottle. "Liquid courage, you know."

Taeyeon groans. 

Her apartment is full with girls and company beef, a present for success or something like that. She can't remember when she confessed to meeting Jessica. "You know, f(x) Krystal's older sister," she said some point that night.

"She has a sister?" Yuri had asked too, and Tiffany had hit her in the shoulder. Hard. "Is she just as pretty?"

"Beautiful," Taeyeon had replied. Not even hesitating. At all. Her hands are everywhere - like an idiot. "Like a girlfriend."

And then all hell breaks loose.

"Date her," Yoona says now.

"What if she has -" Taeyeon can't even think, drops her head into her arms, and hates that she essentially can't have any sort of secret because she's responsible still for seven girls, all who are way too invested in her happiness.

"Did you ask her?"

"I've literally shown up when..." Taeyeon is stopped when there's a collective groan of 'ooos' and 'ahhhs' because the eight of them forget that it's nearly been ten years and the real world is still a struggle.

She is still tired, sore, sticky, and pleasantly buzzed by the time someone shoves a phone into her hand (Tiffany) and when someone else drags her out onto the balcony of her apartment (Sooyoung). Soju is always a blur for her. Beer is about a thousand times better.

"What?"

Taeyeon blinks and it's _her_ phone at her ear. "Um," she says slowly and there are seven girls at the glass windows giving her thumbs up and love shots. "Hi," she manages, rubbing her eyes.

"Taeyeon-ssi?"

"Taeyeon," she corrects. "Just Taeyeon," she says too and Jessica laughs. Because it's Jessica's voice and oh _god_ , she's literally done and called her.

"Okay Taeyeon," Jessica replies. Even though they are past this.

"You sound tired," she murmurs, turns away from the girls and the windows, stares out into the city and hopes that she's not going to come off like an idiot. "Have you eaten yet?"

It's sort of happens like that. No flair. No dramatics. No dozens of roses - not that Taeyeon is that kind of girl - just simple and to the point, a surprise because Taeyeon would have probably written a love song for the moment instead.

"No," Jessica says, and there's a pause, "I'm here late tonight. I think I could get away."

"I'll sober up to feed you," Taeyeon promises.

And this is how she gets the date.

 

 

 

 

Her apartment is spotless at midnight. There are notes all over the damn place from each other girls. Some that say FIGHTING!!! and others that are like DON'T PUT OUT ON THE FIRST DATE, KIM TAEYEON (Sunny and Hyoyeonie, of course) - all sound advice, but enough to make her want to set them all on fire.

She makes ramen. Because she can't think. Warms the left over meat in the microwave. Because she _really_ can't think. Changes her clothes at least eight times, then settles with a jean shorts and a messy shirt because it's summer and whatever, right? Jessica arrives sometime after that, a bag full of aloe juice (she shrugs and explains, "I'm working. I don't drink -") and flowers because -

"They were pretty," she explains. The hydrangeas are blue. They make her apartment seem a little stark. "They made me think of you," Jessica says too. She shrugs. "Flowers for flowers, anyway. Like the ones in my office."

Taeyeon is shy and smiles, ducking her head. Liquid courage, she thinks.

They bring the food to the balcony. Taeyeon apologizes because there's no furniture. Yoona's sandals are left in the corner from the dinner earlier and so is a sweatshirt from her brother, something that's large enough for them to sit on at least. So she apologizes for that. Can't stop apologizing until Jessica rolls her eyes and smacks her arm.

"This is fine," she says gently. "It's nice."

Taeyeon just blushes. A lot.

They eat silently. Or Taeyeon just watches as Jessica eats quietly. It's a little strange, but she just can't look away. Everything about her seems soft and sharp, a weird contrast to what she does and how she's been when Taeyeon meets her. She doesn't know how to handle wanting to know her. Doesn't know how to move past it, even though she'd usually just go, "It's a crush -" and leave it alone, write it as a song, and sourly look at love as something she's never really going to have. Jessica just feels new. And different.

After what feels like forever, Jessica sighs and puts her bowl down. Her expression softens.

"Thank you," she says, and Taeyeon thinks about kissing her. Clearly. For the first time.

She shrugs in response. "I've just kinda barged in on you and you've done nothing but listen to me," she manages. "Ramen is the least I could do," she says and Jessica laughs. "Seriously," she insists.

Jessica reaches back and pulls her ponytail loose, a waterfall of hair flanking against her face. Everything she does is pretty, Taeyeon thinks, earnest, maybe even a little awed and lost.

"I went to law school first," she volunteers and Taeyeon swallows, shuffling closer. To hear her, of course. "Eldest daughter responsibilities," is all she attaches to that and Taeyeon sees Jessica's expression change. "I've always been someone that needed to be reactive instead of ... well, in a courtroom." She sighs and stretches her legs out. "Long story short: I decided this was what I was going to do when Soojungie got her first hate comment. Then I found out I was good at it."

"You must see -"

"A lot of dark stuff?" Jessica finishes. "Yeah," she nods. "I do."

"I watch a lot of law and, um, order?"

Jessica burst out into laughter and it's a sound, a real sound that sort of takes Taeyeon apart. It's strangely real, way too real, for her to really process right now, but the leftover soju in her brain forces her to just look at Jessica and _stare_. It just feels a lot like falling and falling in love and without any room to process it.

"It's not that glamorous," Jessica teases.

Taeyeon watches her expression change, fascinated. Her mouth wrinkles. She gets a pretty little wrinkle in the center of her forehead, something that prompts Taeyeon to just reach out and _touch_. 

"It's gross," Jessica adds, and Taeyeon's fingers are on her forehead. The other woman blinks. Then smiles again. It's trouble because Taeyeon doesn't understand how she's always smiling, if it's something that _she_ does, and that notion alone really terrifies her. "And I see the worst of people. A lot," Jessica murmurs. Her mouth twitches a little. "So," she starts and leans into Taeyeon's fingers even more. Somewhere somehow they get to Jessica's cheek, soft and warm. "It's a nice surprise when I get to have a break."

"You can talk to me... about things," Taeyeon says blindly. She feels a little restless. "I don't really know if I'll understand -"

"I couldn't do that," Jessica murmurs. She shrugs and smiles, turning away from Taeyeon's fingers. "It's not really the best place to take you," she says seriously, settles against the glass of the door, then sighs with her shoulders dropping.

So Taeyeon does the next best thing she can - it's not a kiss, but she takes Jessica's hand, her palm flushed against her own, squeezes her fingers and holds on as tightly as she can for the moment.

"You can always come here," she says.

They end with the skyline, the city bold in lights.

 

 

 

 

Ultimately the most terrifying encounter happens when Taeyeon is by herself, on her way to meet some of the girls at the studio to start recording for potential summer songs for a potential end of the summer comeback because it's kind of that time or something.

Halfway through the park, at night, she realizes that the row of lights that usually keep her company through the short cut are dark and sends an extra text to Tiffany that says _onw it's too dark_ and doesn't wait for the worried emoji to get back to her when she finally hears the footsteps behind her.

"Kim Taeyeon!" she hears and her heart is seriously in her throat, embedded and throbbing. "Kim Taeyeon!" she hears again, then again, and she sort of picks up the pace into a half-run, half-jog with her gaze blurred and focused on the light from the restaurant that is coming into view.

But then she stumbles, falls and skins her knees, drags herself to the grass and whirls around, scrambling to see a face at least.

Then there's no one at all.

 

 

 

 

Because she is a seasoned professional, she gets through the recording.

Because she is a seasoned professional, she gets through dinner, smiles appropriately for the girls, has beer, and then commits to an early _good night_ because this is what she is supposed to do. This is what she expects of herself.

She takes a cab home and then halfway there, leans into the front seat and tells the old man, "Seoul Metro, please!" Tries to make it sound as normal and even as she can - and manages too, all the way there, all the way through paying, then walking herself into the police station, into Jessica's unit and not seeing her _anywhere_.

Taeyeon is about to burst into tears when another woman comes up to her, smile gentle and a water bottle in her hand. She gives it to Taeyeon.

"I'm Jaekyung."

A hand drops onto her elbow and Taeyeon lets herself be guided to Jessica's office.

"I'm Sooyeonie's partner," Jaekyung says gently. "She should be back soon - she's in interrogation."

Sooyeon, Taeyeon thinks. Sooyeon, Sooyeon, _Sooyeon_ , she thinks all the way into the chair behind Jessica's desk, as her partner stands and watches her drink water, swallow, then drink more.

"Is she okay?" Taeyeon manages to croak.

Jaekyung laughs. There's warmth in her face. Taeyeon doesn't know how to not like her. "She is," Jaekyung confirms. "You're cute," she says too.

And then she sits there, waiting with Taeyeon, not saying anything as Taeyeon drags Jessica's jacket around her because it's the closest thing she has to comfort right now, to not thinking too much about how to move forward with this, or how much asking her peers like Yuhno or Lee Hyori-sunbae how they handled it, how she is supposed handle it. But it makes her feel less human. Or weak. _Or_ -

She stops thinking. The door opens and Jessica appears, midway as Taeyeon is draping her jacket over her shoulders. She blinks and looks at Jaekyung.

"I got lost on my way to the vending machines."

Jessica snorts, amused. "Go buy me a coffee."

"You drink too much coffee, eonni." Jaekyung stands and ducks when Jessica throws a napkin in her face, heading to the door. "I'll knock before I come back," she says and Jessica throws a piece of paper at her face.

Her head's a blur though, even when Jaekyung says her goodbyes and Jessica passes her a file. They share a grim look and Taeyeon starts to panic - maybe she shouldn't have come, maybe she shouldn't be here.

Then Jaekyung is gone. The door is shut behind her.

Taeyeon waits a little before swallowing. 

"Am I bothering you?"

Jessica trains her gaze on her. Her eyes are brighter than she remembers. Her mouth slides away from a frown; her expression is still unreadable, heavy even as she walks around the desk and slides in front of Taeyeon, leaning against the desk between her legs. She says nothing and Taeyeon quivers, digging her fingers into the jacket.

"Because I can go," Taeyeon offers weakly. "I was on my way home and then someone was following me and then I couldn't -"

"Did you call anyone?" Jessica asks.

"I ran," Taeyeon continues as if she didn't hear, all the anger at herself, the panic, the fear, all those promises of _i won't let them get to me_ sort of fumbling their way out like she's a kid again. "I ran and I have always promised myself that I would be smarter even though I feel like so - so _stupid_ because I let it get to me and I should've just called someone -"

Jessica leans in and kisses her.

It's not at all what she was thinking, how she needed it to be, how she wanted to stretch it in her head and sort of yearn, in the same way that she writes songs, in the same way she holds music close to her. She's angry and sad and just _frustrated_ with herself. Taeyeon has always been a romantic, at a fault, which is why she has trouble understanding the cruelty of people when she's exposed in her industry. But then there's Jessica's mouth and it's way too real, way too sudden, and she can do nothing more but kiss her back.

Jessica has steady hands, in her hair, almost along her jaw and when her tongue presses into her own, Taeyeon decides that life is really setting out to kill her. For a moment, she's selfish: Taeyeon moans into Jessica's mouth, flushes when her fingers push against the back of her neck, slides along her spine and it feels way too intimate too soon and then perfect which, if anything, scares her. Her mouth works into her own and Taeyeon feels herself press into Jessica, waiting for the sound of her heart, linking them together, and it's so strange to want these things, to want to need these things, and they're here, right in front of her, ready for her to take.

It's Taeyeon that breaks away first though, breathless, bitting at the bottom of Jessica's lip, sighing and digging her fingers into the front of Jessica's shirt.

"I -"

The look Jessica gives her is something that she'll never forget: she's done nothing to merit that kind of warmth, has been nothing but too needy, too fast, too sudden and soon without asking Jessica what she wants. And yet, here this woman is and here that look is - it makes Taeyeon forget how to breathe.

And then she's stupid.

"I'm sorry," Taeyeon murmurs, shrugs out of her jacket, and panics mildly all in the same moment.

She feels shame. A lot of comes from the moment earlier. She shouldn't have run.

"I'm not thinking -"

And as easily as that warmth comes, it disappears and Jessica is to her feet again. She picks up her jacket from behind Taeyeon, drapes it behind the chair, and shrugs, almost coldly - coldly enough for Taeyeon to regret regretting her apology.

"I'm never not going to listen to you," Jessica says quietly, kindly, but it still feels like loss.

"This isn't realistic." Taeyeon stands and rubs her hands against her arms. She heads to the door, tries not to look back, but stops and looks back. "I don't -"

Jessica's voice stays even. She smiles a little, shakes her head, and sits behind her desk. "I never said it was."

It was over before it even began, Taeyeon thinks.

Her eyes are wet all the way to the next cab home.

 

 

 

 

The worst part about feelings is the falling.

In the next couple of days, her company threatens legal action. She gets a dummy phone, changes her number twice, threatens more charges against sasaeng fans, wins, and learns the new dance routines for her next comeback with the group and the girls. She goes through the motions: she writes, she laughs, she lives her life, and ignores every pang that she has because for a moment, she had something more.

At night, it's when it's the worst. In bed, alone, she's curled on her side and staring at a half-written text message that she can never bring herself to send.

_i miss you_


End file.
